Do you want to stop by meaning?
The logo for CNBC Make It.CNBC Make It Raising Successful Kids Stop saying these 4 phrases to your kids, says neuroscientisthere's how the most successful parents teach self-disciplinePublished Thu, Sep 23 2021 12:43 PM EDTUpdated Thu, Sep 23 2021 1:06 PM EDT ShareA Facebook iconShare by facebookA Twitter iconShare by twitterA LinkedIn iconShare by linkedinAn email iconShare by email Jose Luis Pelaez Inc. | Getty Parents often have conversations with their kids that start off well but then, somewhere, somehow, things take a wrong turn. Show
A kid who was amenable to discussion, or at least not hostile, completely shuts down. A small disagreement turns into an big fight. What happened? As parenting experts and authors of "The Self-DrivenChild," we have a combined 65 years of research and experience working with kids (and have even raised a few of our own). We've found that the following phrases uttered by well-meaning parents don't work in teaching self-discipline, and we have a good sense of why: 1. "If you don't work hard now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."Instilling fear is one of the least effective ways to spark intrinsic motivation in kids. In fact, it can be detrimental for kids who, each time they're reminded of how important it is that they do better, become more stressed and sometimes, avoidant. Another reason phrases like this don't work is that the context is beyond kids' understanding. Trying to get a seventh grader to stick with swimming because it will look good on college applications, for example, is much like saying, "Now that you're in high school, we need to talk about a 401(k) plan for you." Kids aren't capable of thinking ahead the way adults are. That's what makes them kids. What successful parents do/say instead:
2. "It's my job to keep you safe."As kids get older and reach middle school or high school, keeping them safe is a job that we cannot by any measure do successfully. We're not with them all the time and we can't track their every move. When kids think it's the parents' our job to keep them safe, and not theirs, they're more apt to behave recklessly, thinking there is always a safety net when really, there is not. This doesn't mean you should silence opinions; there are times you need to say no and be clear about the risks you feel uneasy about them taking. What successful parents do/say instead:
3. "I'm punishing you because you have to learn that this behavior is unacceptable."Enforcing punishment might help you feel like you have a sense of control, but research shows that not only does it hurt your relationship with your kid, it's also an ineffective tool for changing behavior. Although it may briefly stop a meltdown, it doesn't inspire positive behavior or teach kids what to do. Plus, the more parents threaten, the more kids lie and hide problems that they may need help with. What successful parents do/say instead:
4. "You spend too much time on your phone."The problem with this statement is that it's not respectful of the way a kid inhabits their social world a world that looks much different than ours did. Social media and gaming are versions of the note-passing and arcade visits that were so instrumental in our youth, and we wouldn't have taken well to someone suggesting that we just cut that part of our lives out. Plus, we want to help kids manage their relationship with technology, because we have a pretty strong sense that it isn't going anywhere. What successful parents do/say instead:
William StixrudandNed Johnsonare the co-authors of"WhatDo You Say? How to Talkwith Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home."William is a clinical neuroscientist and a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the George Washington University School of Medicine.Ned is the founder ofPrepMattersand author of"Conquering the SAT: How Parents Can Help Teens Overcome the Pressure and Succeed."William and Ned have 60 years of combined experience working with parents and children. Don't miss:
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