I like listening more than talking

Last Updated: May 5, 2021 References

This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: //www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW [Masters of Social Work] from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

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1. 1
   Make good eye contact. Face the speaker. Dont look over the speakers shoulder or down at the floor. Failing to make eye contact can seem rude and impersonal. Be relaxed and make your eye contact seem natural.[1]
2. 2
   Dont be distracted. Try to not be distracted by other things that are happening in the room or by any other people who are speaking. More importantly, try not to be distracted by your own thoughts while the speaker is speaking. Give all of your attention to the person who is speaking to you.[2]

   • Put down your phone. If you are too tempted by your phone, consider turning it on silent or shutting it off to listen.
3. 3
   Show interest and enthusiasm. Be an engaged listener and show your enthusiasm for what the speaker is telling you. Use your body language to let the speaker know that you are listening to what they are saying. This cuts down on the need for you to say anything, and helps you to talk less. It is very obvious to the speaker when their audience is not actively listening.[3]

   • Restate what the person youre speaking to has mentioned. For example, if they are angry, you may say something like, That does sound frustrating and I understand why youre angry about it.
   • Nod your head or use a genuine smile to help convey to the speaker that you are listening. You do not need to use words for the speaker to know that you are truly listening to them.
   • Things like raising one eyebrow and leaning in toward the speaker slightly shows that you are interested and listening.
   • Dont exaggerate your mannerisms since it may not seem genuine.

1. 1
   Remain open-minded. Dont go into a conversation with a preconceived opinion about what the speaker will be saying. When you go in with your opinion formed, you are prepared to talk instead of listen. Open your mind to the information that the speaker will be giving you and you will be forced to listen more than you talk.[4]
2. 2
   Remember what the speaker is telling you. If it is appropriate, use the information that you learned from the speaker during a future conversation. This will allow the speaker to know that you were listening to them last time you had a conversation.[5] It will make them feel important and respected. More importantly, you can show that you were really listening even by saying very little from your previous conversation.

   • For example, you are listening to a co-worker talk about a new great restaurant in town. After you try the restaurant tell your co-worker, I tried that new restaurant that you recommended. It was great! Thanks for the recommendation.
3. 3
   Feel and picture what the speaker is saying. If the speaker is telling a story, try to really picture and feel what the speaker has to say. If the speaker is talking about something sad, feel their sadness. If the speaker is talking about something happy, feel their joy. This will allow you to be a more active listener and will help you to remember what the speaker is saying.[6]
4. 4
   Allow room for silence in a conversation. Silence in a conversation is not always a bad thing. Just because there has been a moment of silence, doesnt mean that you need to fill it with words. A break in the conversation could allow for more thought before the conversation resumes. Be comfortable with the silence and use this time to feel and comprehend what the speaker what telling you.[7]
5. 5
   Use your words infrequently. Only speak when you have something new and insightful to add to the conversation. Instead of responding as soon as there is a break in conversation, pause for a moment and think about whether you need to say anything. Even if you do, the pause can show that you are listening and help you talk a little less.[8]

1. 1
   Dont interrupt. Go back to the basic principles of conversation that were taught to you when you were a child. Dont interrupt the speaker in the middle of their sentence. This includes interrupting the speaker to finish their sentence. When you are the listener, simply listen.[9]

   • Dont finish the speakers sentences, even if you know what they are going to say. Allow the speaker to complete their thoughts.
2. 2
   Ask questions to gain a deeper understanding. A good reason to speak when you are listening is to ask questions. Use questions to prompt further conversation or to gain a deeper understanding of what the speaker is saying. Be sure to wait until there is a break in the conversation so that you do not interrupt the speaker.[10]

   • Avoid derailing the speaker by asking a question that will stray them away from the topic. If you must do this, be sure to guide the conversation back to its original topic.
   • Ask open-ended questions to allow the other person to talk about themselves more.
3. 3
   Resist listening for your chance to speak. You are not actively listening if you are just waiting for your chance to speak.[11] Instead, you are thinking about what you are going to say. You could miss important parts of the conversation and possibly even repeat something that has already been said.[12]

   • Be aware of why you may be talking more than listening. It could mean that youre nervous and trying to soothe yourself. Be aware of how youre feeling and try practicing calming techniques if you find yourself stressed out.[13]