I love it when readers who enjoyed my books post positive reviews on Amazon, Goodreads and elsewhere but negative reviews can be even more fun.
Here's a selection of my favourites I've received over the years:
Storm Dancer [dark epic fantasy novel]
This book is too long. I had to spend many hours reading it. I'm busy and have other things to do.
The character of Queen Matilda is not believable There's no Queen Matilda in the book.
Animal lovers: Do not buy this book! They don't just sacrifice humans, but horses as well.
The women in this story are not as obedient as the Bible says women were in those days.
The book didn't end how I thought it would.
Bites: Ten Tales of Vampires [short story anthology]
The vampires in this book aren't like Edward Cullen. Most of them totally creep me out.
I could have written a vampire story as good as any in this book if the editor had asked me.
Daughters of the Dragon [non-fiction]
How dare this author write about women in China? I checked her credentials: she does not have a degree in sinology.
Living&Working in Britain [non-fiction]
I've spent three weeks in that country. Trust me, it's not at all like this. The author lives in that country.
If I had time, I'd dash off a book like this myself.
Living&Working in Germany [non-fiction]
This is not how I imagine Germany to be.
Clearly, the author has never met a real German The author is a real German.
How To Be A Freelance Journalist [non-fiction]
I don't want to do all this work. I just want to be a journalist.
Writing Fight Scenes [non-fiction]
I skipped the first twenty chapters because there was nothing of interest in them. I wanted to know how to structure a fight scene and the book doesn't show that. Chapter 3 is titled Structure.
Writing Scary Scenes [non-fiction]
I don't need a book to teach me how to write.I haven't read this book because I don't need to read it to know it's bad.
Haunted: Ten Tales of Ghosts [short story anthology]
I had made reservation and on the date I was to go I had a very bad cold and fever and I called them to change my reservation and they refused.
I haven't read it yet, but Amazon pressed me for a review.
Six Scary Tales Vol. 1
What a rip-off! This book contains only six stories!
These tales are not scary. There's not one single chainsaw massacre, not even a disembowelling.
I didnt even get through the first story cause when i was reading it to my mom therewere some inappropreate words.
Six Historical Tales Vol. 1
I hate it when writers use British English. They should learn to write proper English before publishing a book.
These stories are not 'historical.' Nobody gets married.
SWOT for Writing Success [non-fiction]
"Judging a a book by its cover... I must admit, I have not read this book."
The Colour of Dishonour [short story collection]
"This book is full of spelling mistakes. Two words are spelled wrongly in the title alone." [It's British English.]
Since some of these reviews were written many years ago and I no longer have access to them, I've quoted them from memory. The precise wording may have been different.