The Art Of Listening
The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard
We must have all played this game at some point. Maybe, when we were children. Or maybe, as adults. Everyone, at some point, has taken part in team-building exercises or activities in a corporate training workshop. One such exercise involves passing a message along a line of people all the way to the end and then seeing how the original message changes as it moves from receiver to receiver. Its an amusing and interesting game. Its intriguing because more often than not, the last person gets an almost entirely different version of the original message! Such a simple game, which highlights the importance of communication and active listening.
As children, speaking is one of the first skills we develop a developmental milestone that is usually the cause of great celebration. But there doesnt seem to be a developmental milestone for listening. We are taught to speak, but we arent taught to listen. We learn how to debate and make a speech, but we arent taught how to listen to that debate or speech. But listening is just as important a skill and one that just gets lost in the hubris of life. To me, listening is the biggest gift you can give anyone a precious act of sharing our time solely for the understanding of another. When you think that way, listening becomes an exploration, a journey into the tangled web of relationship-building, and its true gift is selflessness.
So, that brings me to these questions:
When was the last time you were truly listened to? How did that make you feel? Or when was the last time you truly listened to another?
For most of us, I am guessing the answer may be not often enough. Despite knowing the importance of listening, we somehow overlook its importance as we move through the schedule of our busy days. Yet because its in listening that the richness of communication gathers its strength, this should be a daily priority.
Aspects of listening
There are two aspects of listening: The one who is listening and the one who is speaking.
Both aspects are critical. Its like a finely choreographed dance, an involved exchange of thoughts and ideas that enrich each conversation.
When we want someone to listen, we might have already made up our mind on a topic, but we want to reaffirm this from the others perspective. Sometimes, we keep regurgitating the same point because we cant come to an answer and we hope the listening person might provide us with a direction. Evaluating what the speaker wants from us is important to be a good listener.
At times, we want someone to affirm what we are doing or acknowledge what we feel. We want someone to respect and embrace our thoughts. Often, all we want is to be validated.
A listeners role gets compromised by their emotions. As a listener, you might mentally turn off when we dont agree. Our emotions become filters that block our ability to have a dialog or give a thoughtful or measured response. Then it most definitely stops being a conversation or helpful to the speaker. It merely becomes a tug of opinions! The act of listening just deteriorates to the act of making ones point.
So, how can we be heard? As a speaker, what can we do? Likewise, as a listener, how can we be effective? How can we offer the gift of listening?
When we consider the edginess of living, of balancing our thoughts and opinions and our desire to express them, we immediately understand the many complex layers to listening.
Our life is defined by a mesh of four key areas: Family, professional or work, friends or our social network, and our interactions with strangers. We move around in these circles in a constant interplay of conversation, and listening is at the heart of all these conversations, connecting us through all these relations.
Now, picture in your mind a famous, exceptional leader. Almost immediately, one of the first images that may come up is of that leader in the context of talking, of giving an inspirational speech, perhaps. A wonderful leader is one who communicates well not just through speech but through the powerful act of listening as well.
The best leaders are strategic and intuitive listeners.
One of the facets of Nelson Mandelas leadership was his ability and willingness to listen. The South African rugby team, popularly known as the Springboks, recently won the World Cup, drawing frenzied celebrations across the nation.
But rewind the tape a little. It was back in 1995 that Mandela delivered what was one of the most symbolic and inspirational gestures in modern history when he wore a green Springbok shirt to meet and greet the mostly all-white rugby team. In one stroke, he laid the seeds of unifying a nation that had been torn by apartheid and deep fissures of hate. He listened to the heartbeat of his country and defied tradition to carve a new path for South Africa. A powerful example of listening leadership in action.
That kind of listening can be replicated in the corporate world too. In the organizational setup, great leaders are always learning to listen. They listen to their customers, competitors, peers, critics, and subordinates. They ask questions and elicit feedback.
Learning to listen better
We all cant become better listeners overnight, but we can take small steps toward achieving that goal. The ability to listen doesnt depend on intelligence. But to be good listeners, we can apply certain skills acquired through training or experience. Some small resolutions that we can immediately implement:
Give undivided attention: Its tempting to multi-task, but authentic listening is an act of concentrated focus. Put away the smartphone or the laptop and give the other person your complete attention, at least for the allocated time. For any meetings, I rarely take my phone. Whether it is 15 min or 50 min, once I have agreed to the meeting, that person deserves my undivided time.
Be a trampoline: Good listening is about absorbing with intent what the other person is saying, but it doesnt stop at that. It involves providing the speaker with a new perspective a good listener is like a trampoline, always directing the energy of the conversation forward.
Listen to listen and not respond: Sometimes, listening just becomes a reactive activity. We think of our response even while the person is talking! But listening becomes an inherently more compassionate action if we pause and choose to respond, putting ourselves in that persons place instead of reacting. This kind of listening validates people, connects us to them, and provides meaning.
These are small steps, but with practice, we can build lasting connections that bind us to the people we meet at work or in our personal life.
True listening, at its core, is about using our heart and empathy in ways that also connect us with our self.
The art of listening may be floundering in these days of reducing attention spans. But this is a precious life skill that needs to be honed because its the one skill that can help us treasure the finite time and relationships we have, be it professional or personal.
Let me know how you listen and how you make yourself heard.